Happy Birthday Ron
by Red Witch
Summary: Ron celebrates his birthday with the Figgis Agency.


** The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is out celebrating a birthday. Here's some crazy fun fluff that entered into my tiny brain. **

**Happy Birthday Ron!**

"Now AJ," Lana told her daughter as they drove up to Cheryl's mansion. "Remember this is Grandpa Ron's birthday. Behave yourself."

"Will **everybody else** behave themselves?" AJ asked innocently from her car seat in the back.

Lana paused. "That's actually a good question. Well don't behave as badly as **they** do."

"'Kay," AJ nodded innocently. "Will there be cake?"

"Yes, there will be cake," Lana said. Then she thought. "I just hope alcohol isn't in it. Or a pig."

"Zebra!" AJ pointed out the window.

Lana parked the car and looked at the lawn. "Oh, Cheryl still has **that** huh? Wonderful."

"Can I pet the zebra?"

"No, honey," Lana sighed as she went to unstrap her daughter. "Leave the zebra alone. It's having dinner eating the lawn and probably wants to be left alone. And while I'm on the subject, if you see an ocelot…Leave **that **alone too!"

"Babou scratched Uncle Cyril," AJ told her. "I know **that one."**

"Just try to behave…" Lana sighed, more as a prayer than an order. And not necessarily directed at her daughter.

She took her daughter's hand in one and a bag in the other. AJ held a small bag of her own. AJ skipped in her cute little pink dress and shoes. Lana smiled at the sight. Hoping that maybe this would be a nice normal little gathering.

That hope was shattered to pieces when Cheryl opened the door wearing a skimpy two piece yellow and green showgirl outfit. Complete with a headdress with green and yellow feathers.

"Oh, you brought the kid," Cheryl grumbled. "Great. Now I have to wear clothes for the rest of the afternoon."

"Hello to you Cheryl," Lana sighed. "Wait, is this a costume party?"

"No," Cheryl shrugged as she left.

"She's silly," AJ giggled.

"That's one word for her," Lana groaned as they walked into the mansion. "I could a whole bunch **more** to describe her. When you're out of the room."

The entrance of the mansion and the living room were brightly decorated with dozens of balloons of various sizes and shapes. A banner saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY RON was hanging from the walls. There was a large table in the living room with various foods and a punch bowl. Another table had a bunch of already opened gifts. Some old-time music was playing through a nearby music system.

"Hey! Glad to see you guys made it!" Pam grinned with a drink in her hand. The others from work were hanging around the living room drinking as well.

"Well it is a school day," Lana remarked. "And a work day. Where were you guys? None of you came into the office."

"We were setting up this party," Pam waved. "Hey AJ! Up top!" She high fived AJ.

"Balloons!" AJ cheered.

"Yes AJ, balloons," Lana looked around. "Are those Disney princess balloons?"

"What?" Pam asked. "AJ's here! I figured she'd appreciate them."

"You would think we would have gotten a discount on them," Cheryl grumbled as she sauntered past them with a drink in her hand. "Now that we're part of the Mouse Corporation. But nooooo! I tell you this merger does not look well for us!"

Lana looked at Pam. "Krieger gave her something to calm her down," Pam sighed. "To be fair, for her this **is** calm."

"I can't argue with that," Lana sighed. "Where's Ron?"

"In the can," Pam told him.

"Thank you for the bulletin, Pam," Ron walked out.

"You're welcome!" Pam grinned.

"Lana! You made it!" Ron said.

"Happy Birthday Ron," Lana hugged him. "AJ do you have something to say?"

"Can I have cake?" AJ asked innocently.

Ron laughed as he hugged her. "You can have all the cake you want once it gets here. Sorry guys that we started the party without you."

"Well somebody had to work," Lana glared at the others.

"**What work**?" Cyril grumbled.

"Yeah what exactly were **you** doing all day?" Ray challenged.

"Present!" AJ handed Ron her gift.

"For me! Thank you!" Ron grinned.

"I got you something too Ron," Lana indicated her gift.

"Oh, this is great!" Ron grinned. "I already got some nice gifts! And now I have some more!"

"Gifts?" Lana looked over at the table.

"Pam got me a nice black turtleneck," Ron remarked. "One of those stretchy things that fit the body. But boy it must have been expensive!"

"Again, sorry for leaving the price tag on," Pam said. "But it really wasn't. I got it at a discount."

"Discount huh?" Ray looked at her.

"Uh huh," Pam nodded.

"**A black turtleneck**?" Lana realized something. "Interesting choice…"

"Ray got me three really nice ties," Ron went on. "Expensive looking."

"It was nothing," Ray waved.

Ron went on. "Krieger got me a comb. And a DVD copy of the Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. Used but in good condition."

"I sterilized the comb myself," Krieger said proudly.

"I'd still throw that out if I were you," Pam whispered to Ron.

"Wait a minute…" Lana blinked.

"Cyril got me another tie," Ron added. "And DVD of City Heat. And another DVD of Stroker Ace."

"I see," Lana looked at the gang.

"Carol got me a DVD of the movie The End," Ron finished. "And a really nice Rolex."

"They were just some things lying around," Cheryl admitted.

"I think I just figured out where you all did your shopping," Lana sighed. "I hope you like what we **bought you** Ron."

"I'm sure I will," Ron sat down. "Let me open AJ's present first."

"It's just _socks,_" AJ made a face as Ron opened his gifts.

"I love socks," Ron said. "Ooh! These are the nice kind with the copper heel and everything! So good for circulation! I love 'em! Thank you, AJ!"

"Really?" AJ blinked. "You love **socks?"**

"Kid when you're my age," Ron told her. "You love anything anybody gives you. Especially if you don't have to wear it for eternity. In a box. Let me open Lana's next."

"The card is from both of us," Lana said as Ron read it.

"Nice card," Ron remarked. "Oooh! A gift card! To Big Bob's Buffet! Fifty bucks! Jackpot! A guy could make two visits on this baby! Thank you, Lana!"

"There's more," Lana pointed to the bag.

"Oooh," Ron said as he took out his present. "This is that new book with that author I like! And a new bookmark! And some glasses cleaner stuff! I needed these! Thank you, Lana!"

"Cough! (Kiss Ass!) Cough!" Cheryl made a fake coughing noise. Everyone looked at her. "What? We were all thinking it!"

"No, we weren't," Ray told her. "Just **you!**"

"Kitty!" AJ saw two little kittens running around. She went over to play with them.

"Yeah speaking of kitties…" Lana paused.

"Relax," Krieger waved. "I locked up Babou in one of the rooms."

"Oh, that's good," Lana sighed.

"SQWWAAAKKK! SQUAAAAAWWK!"

"YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR! YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!"

"FIRE THE MAID! AWWK! FIRE THE MAID! AWWWK!"

"HELL IN A HANDBASKET! DAMN THOSE SOCIALISTS! AWWWK!"

"AAWWWK! AWWWK!"

Just then five brightly colored parrots of different colors flew wildly through the room. The popping of some balloons was heard as a couple of the squawking birds' talons hit them.

"I forgot to do anything about the parrots though," Krieger admitted.

_"Parrots?"_ Lana looked at the colorful birds flying around. "I thought Babou ate them?"

"He only ate **one** of them," Ray said. "Then Cheryl got these other birds yesterday from one of her other dead relatives."

"They do seem to drop off every other week, don't they?" Krieger asked.

"One of those damn things just…" Ray paused realizing AJ was still in the room. "Went potty on that chair."

"I'll just burn it," Cheryl waved.

"Are you talking about the chair?" Krieger asked. "Or the parrot?"

"Pick one," Cheryl told him. "Doesn't matter to me."

"AWWWK! AWWWK! AWWWK!"

"DAMN SOCALISTS! KILL THEM ALL! AWWWK! AWWWK!"

"FIRE THE MAID! FIRE THE MAID! AWWWWK!"

"BURN IT DOWN! BURN IT DOWN! AWWWK!"

"SQUAAAAWWWK! YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR BITCH!"

"KRIEGER!" Lana shouted. "Get rid of the birds! NOW!"

"Before they use the rest of my house as their personal toilet!" Cheryl added.

"AWWWK! AWWWWK!" One of the parrots tried to sit on Cheryl's head.

"Shut up bird!" Cheryl snapped. "Shoo! Get away from me!"

"YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!" The red parrot screeched.

"AAAHHH!" Cheryl yelled as the parrots started to chase her around the room. "Why are they attacking **me?"**

"Maybe they think you're their queen?" Ray quipped.

"GET AWAY!" Cheryl ran around trying to escape the parrots. "YOUR QUEEN COMMANDS YOU!"

"Somebody do something!" Lana shouted. AJ was laughing her head off.

"I **am**!" Pam was recording the whole thing on her phone.

"Good idea!" Ray took out his phone.

"That **is** a good idea!" Cyril took out his phone as well.

"Ugggh!" Lana groaned. "Krieger!"

"Yes?" Krieger was also filming it on his phone.

"Help me, help Cheryl!" Lana snapped.

"I already gave her some drugs," Krieger said. "I don't think I can do anything a qualified psychiatrist…"

"I MEANT WITH THE DAMN BIRDS!" Lana shouted.

"DAMN BIRDS! DAMN BIRDS!" Some of the parrots squawked as they flew around Cheryl.

"I've got an idea!" Krieger said. He ran towards the front door and opened it. "Cheryl! Run out the door!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Cheryl did as she was told. The parrots followed her.

"NOW RUN BACK IN!" Krieger shouted.

"AAAHH!" Cheryl ran back in quickly. Krieger shut the door behind her, leaving the birds outside.

"That's it!" Cheryl shouted. "YOU ARE SO BANISHED! SO SAYS YOUR QUEEN!"

"It's like an Alfred Hitchcock movie out there," Ray winced as the parrots squawked. "A gay remake of one."

"It's not a party unless there's a parrot attack," Ron groaned.

"YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR! DAMN BIRDS! BITCH! BITCH! BITCH!" The parrots squawked outside. "DAMN BIRDS! BURN IT DOWN! BURN IT BITCH! AWWWK!"

"Ugh," Cheryl grumbled. "Stupid Aunt Ida. I'm glad she's dead."

"They're flying away," Pam looked out the window.

"I knew they'd lose interest once Cheryl was out of their sight," Krieger said. "Parrots usually don't hold grudges. Or is it pigeons? I get them confused."

"And now we let loose a flock of swearing angry birds on the neighborhood," Lana groaned.

"What do you mean **we?"** Cyril asked. Lana glared at him. "Kidding!"

"Let's just continue with the party," Ron sighed.

"Oh yeah! Where are the strippers?" Cheryl asked.

"No strippers!" Pam looked at Cheryl.

"We've told you **three times,"** Cyril said. "No strippers."

"Oh, I got it," Cheryl nodded. "We'll go to the strip club after we ditch Lana and the rug rat."

"We are **not** going to a strip club," Ray glared at her.

"Ohhh…" Cheryl blinked. "Riiiiiigght. I forgot. We're **not **going to a strip club." She winked at Ron in a weird way.

"We're really not…Oh never mind," Pam sighed.

"Well at least my birthday party isn't dull," Ron sighed. "And I did get nice gifts."

"And more importantly," Cyril said. "The birds didn't poop on them. By the way Ron, what did Mallory get you?"

Ron looked at him. "Nothing. **Thanks **for reminding me of that."

"Mallory didn't get you anything for your birthday?" Lana asked. "She didn't call you?"

"No," Ron admitted.

"Wow," Cheryl blinked. "Your wife didn't even bother to send you a **card?** That's cold!"

"They're technically separated," Ray pointed out.

"Still…" Pam shrugged. "I mean I know Ms. Archer is pretty wrecked about Archer being in a coma. But even for her…"

"I guess Ron really isn't a priority right now," Cheryl admitted. "Not that he ever was much in the first place."

"I'm standing **right here** you know?" Ron glared at her.

"But for **how long**?" Cheryl asked. "And I'm not saying because you're going to get sick or die or something."

"You mean Ron won't put up with Ms. Archer's crap much longer," Pam added. "I saw where you were going with that."

"I'm going to get a beer from the kitchen," Ron groaned as he got up and left the room.

"I'm going to…" Lana paused. "The bathroom. Watch AJ will you guys?"

"Watch her do what?" Cheryl asked.

"I'll watch her," Pam groaned. AJ was playing with the kittens again. "Good thing we got some cats around here."

"We should have let them **eat** the birds," Cheryl grumbled. "Where'd Lana go?"

"To the bathroom," Cyril looked at her. "She said that only two minutes ago!"

"The bathroom is the other way," Cheryl pointed.

"How much you want to bet Lana's calling Ms. Archer **right now**?" Pam remarked.

"Even money," Ray nodded.

"What do you mean?" Cyril asked.

"And you call yourself a detective," Ray rolled his eyes. "Come on! Be quiet!"

Ray led the group to spy on Lana. AJ was too interested in playing with the kittens to notice. They saw Lana in the other room on the phone.

"Yes, I'm sure! No, Mallory," Lana snapped into the phone. "We're all giving Ron presents and a birthday cake because there's nothing good on TV! How is this **my fault?** He's **your husband**! Yes, I know you're technically separated but still…"

"Called it," Ray whispered to the others.

"Look can't you just call him? Wish him well?" Lana hissed. "Fine! Then send him a gift basket! You have an Instant Basket account online right? Fine! Just pick a basket out and send one of them to him! What? Just write a card! What do you **think** you should write? The Star-Spangled Banner? Just do it! We're at Cheryl's place! You know where **that is** right? Good! We'll be here for a couple of hours. Fine!"

Lana hung up the phone. "I have to do **everything** around here."

"I know right?" Cheryl called out.

Lana glared at them. "Hello," Cyril said sheepishly.

"Ugh, I'm not even…" Lana realized something. "Pam you're supposed to be watching AJ!"

"I am!" Pam said.

CRASH!

"Oh, you mean **now?**" Pam asked innocently.

"Oh for…" Lana groaned as she ran into the other room. "AJ!"

There was a broken figurine on the floor. AJ was holding a kitten. "Kitty did it!" She protested.

CRASH!

Another kitten was on a small shelf and had knocked over a figurine. "See?" AJ pointed.

"AJ, we do not put cats on shelves," Lana sighed.

"Yeah that's not how you break things," Cheryl took a figurine off of another shelf. She threw it against the wall. "**That's** how you break things!"

"What's going on?" Ron came out with a beer. "I heard something break."

"The cats broke a couple figurines," Lana sighed.

SMASH!

"And Cheryl is breaking some more," Lana groaned. "Cheryl stop that!"

"It's my house!" Cheryl snapped. "And I hate these stupid things."

"Well break them on your **own time**," Lana snapped. "We're having a party."

"It's a dull party," Cheryl pouted.

"It's been pretty lively to me," Ron remarked as he took a sip of beer.

Lana sighed. "Ron is there anything you want to do for your birthday? Anywhere you want to go?"

"Ideally as far away from this group as possible," Ron quipped. "But I'll settle for a nice dinner."

"I made dinner," Ray pointed out. "All I have to do is heat most of it up. I made veal marsala. Eggplant parmesan. Rigatoni with meatballs. Antipasto and garlic bread. Salad. And roasted brussels sprouts."

"Eww…" AJ winced.

Ray looked at AJ. "With chicken nuggets."

"Yayyy!" AJ cheered.

"I wish you made parrot nuggets," Cheryl grumbled.

"It's still too early for dinner," Cyril remarked. "How about we play a game?"

"Cornhole!" Pam called out.

"What?" Lana asked.

"You know?" Pam said. "Cornhole! You toss bean bags into holes."

"You mean bean bag toss?" Cyril asked.

"Yeah, cornhole," Pam nodded. "Even AJ can play this game."

"Why not?" Ron shrugged.

"Cheryl maybe you should change your outfit?" Lana pointed. "In case the parrots come back."

"Right," Cheryl nodded. "Good idea."

"Finally," Lana sighed as Cheryl went off to change. "Maybe this party will be normal for once?"

"There's nothing normal about our parties," Cyril told her. "At this point, I'd be happy if there was no gunfire or knife fights."

"Me too," Ray groaned. "Boy do we set the bar low on these things."

"Too low," Lana agreed.

About an hour later the gang came back in from playing. "Well that was fun," Ray remarked. "I haven't played a good game of cornhole in ages."

"We would have played longer if you didn't forget to **not** use your bionic hand," Cyril looked at him. "And broke one of the boards."

"It's not like I set them on **fire,**" Ray gave him a look.

"I thought it would be more fun if the bean bags were," Cheryl walked in. She was wearing a colorful clown outfit complete with clown makeup and a rainbow wig. "Lucky for me parrots are afraid of clowns."

Lana looked at Krieger. "Why did you tell her that?"

"It wouldn't be a party without clowns," Krieger shrugged.

"Ugh don't remind me about clowns," Pam groaned. "I still remember the stupid clowns that held us hostage."

"Oh right, Mr. Rompers!" Cheryl realized. "I thought we had something. But he never calls, he never writes. I'm starting to think he ghosted me. Or did I ghost him? I can't remember. You know how my mind wanders."

Ron looked at Cheryl. "Carol, I don't think you have to worry about your mind wandering. It got **lost **years ago!"

"I'll start getting dinner ready," Ray sighed.

"I'll help," Lana volunteered. "Watch AJ." They went off to the kitchen.

"Well now what do we do?" Cheryl pouted.

"Why don't you do a magic trick and make yourself disappear?" Cyril quipped.

"I'm not a magician clown! Duh!" Cheryl made a face. "What an idiot!"

"Your words," Cyril remarked.

"Can I go watch TV?" AJ asked innocently.

"Why not?" Pam shrugged. "There's one in almost all the rooms." AJ ran off.

"You said you were going to watch her," Cyril pointed out.

"Technically not," Ron said. "Lana said for us to watch her. We didn't agree. Besides she'll be fine. Honestly TV can't be as damaging as this group."

"So, what do we do?" Cheryl asked. "I'm bored."

"I have some Conversation Cards," Cyril took some out of his pocket.

"Those **again?"** Pam groaned.

"You have a **better idea**?" Cyril snapped.

"We can set another fire!" Cheryl suggested cheerfully.

"Or perform a new scientific experiment using fire!" Krieger added. "Or random DNA. Or whatever."

Pam sighed. "Hit us with a question Cyril."

"Okay," Cyril looked at a card. "Here's one. If you could visit any moment in time, when would you go?"

"Easy," Ron remarked. "My wedding day. So that I could warn myself."

"I'd go back in time and meet Thomas Edison before he was famous," Krieger said.

"Oh, so you could watch his experiments?" Cyril asked.

"No," Krieger shook his head. "So that I could beat the shit out of the guy and take credit for his inventions! I could make a fortune in patents!"

Cyril rolled his eyes. "Of course. I'd go back and meet Elisha Otis. And warn him to watch out for diphtheria."

"God even your fantasies are boring," Pam remarked.

"Well what would **you** do?" Cyril asked.

"Easy," Pam shrugged. "I'd go when Pope Alexander VI was in power and attend one of his orgies."

Krieger blinked. "Can I change my answer?"

Ron sighed. "Carol when would you go?"

"The day Nero burned Rome down," Cheryl grinned.

"No surprises there," Ron groaned.

Cyril read another one. "If you could design any ride at Disney World, what would it be?"

"The Sploosh!" Pam grinned.

"Elevator of Love," Cyril said.

"That one is **not** boring," Pam admitted. "How about you Ron?"

"Something with cars," Ron shrugged. "I got it. Ron Cadillac's Cadillac Experience."

"Dr. Krieger's Sewer Adventure!" Krieger grinned.

"It's a Small World," Cheryl said. "But on fire. That way you could hear the screams of children in all the languages of the world!"

Ron looked at Cheryl. "You are completely bonkers. You know that, right?"

"Oh yes," Cheryl nodded cheerfully.

Cyril took out another card. "If you could have fifty pounds of anything other than money, what would it be?"

"Matches," Cheryl grinned. "And lighter fluid."

"Plutonium!" Krieger spoke up.

"It used to be cocaine," Pam admitted. "But I'll say bear claws. Oh, what the hell? Bear claws filled with cocaine!"

"Condoms," Cyril admitted. "Triple Xtra Large. What? They break like crazy! I usually have to use three or four of them within the first hour alone! It's cost effective!"

"What would you get Ron?" Krieger asked.

Ron looked at them all. "Moron repelling spray."

"Oh, here's an interesting one," Cyril said. "What topic do you find the most boring to talk about?"

Krieger blinked. "Boy you really know how to pick topics of conversation don't you Figgis?"

"Oh, come on," Cyril prodded. "What topic do you find boring?"

"Whatever topic that comes out of your mouth," Pam quipped.

"Me too!" Krieger said.

"They're not wrong," Ron said.

"Ding, ding, ding!" Cheryl giggled.

"Well forgive me for trying to steer the conversation towards interesting topics!" Cyril snapped.

"Cyril you literally asked what we think is **boring,**" Pam remarked. "That is **the furthest** **thing** from **interesting!**"

"Well what questions would **you** like to ask?" Cyril snapped. "I don't hear you coming up with any scintillating conversation!"

"Okay smart ass," Pam said. "Here's one. If you could be either a vampire or a werewolf…"

"NO!" Ron screamed. "NO! NO VAMPIRE OR WEREWOLF QUESTIONS! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY MORE ABOUT THEM!"

"That is a tad played out," Krieger admitted.

"Okay fine," Pam paused. "Here's a good one. What's your favorite kind of porn?"

"I don't want to talk about porn!" Ron snapped.

"Especially since there are so many different varieties," Cyril said. "It's very hard to choose."

"Mine are snuff films," Cheryl spoke up.

"I definitely **don't **want to talk about porn!" Ron snapped. "Or snuff films!"

"That conversation has also been played out," Krieger admitted.

Pam thought. "Sex positions?"

"NO!" Ron snapped.

"Pizza toppings?" Pam asked.

"We are not having another damn debate about pepperoni verses sausage!" Krieger snapped.

"I second the motion," Ron agreed.

"Boy you people are picky," Pam grumbled.

"Not so easy is it?" Cyril remarked.

"Dinner will be ready in a little bit," Lana walked in. "Where's AJ?"

"She's in one of the rooms watching TV," Ron said. "I wish I was."

"Okay…" Lana sighed as she went off to look for AJ. "AJ…"

"Okay how about this?" Pam asked. "What's the best bowel movement you ever had?"

"Are we talking size or location?" Krieger asked. "Because there's an argument that can be made for both."

DING DONG! DING DONG!

"Oh, thank God, the doorbell," Ron got up. "I'll get it!"

Ron quickly went to the front door. "No wonder conversation is a dying art," He grumbled. "Those people are bludgeoning it to death!"

He opened the door and found himself looking at a bored teenager holding a bright pink basket filled with goodies and balloons. "Are you Ron Cadillac?" The boy asked.

"Yes," Ron blinked.

"This is for you," The teenager gave him the basket. "Congrats dude. Sign here."

"Okay," Ron put the basket down and signed the delivery order.

"Man, dude at your age," The teenager chuckled. "Way to go! Up top!" He high fived Ron.

"Thank you…" Ron was confused. "What do you…?"

"RRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAARRR!"

Suddenly a familiar crepuscular spotted cat charged down the hallway straight for the door. "AAAAAAAHHHH!" The delivery boy screamed as Babou started to chase him on the lawn.

"What the hell?" Ron did a double take.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

"RARRRRRRRRR!"

"What the hell is going on?" Pam asked as the others from the living room ran to see the commotion. "What's Babou doing out there?"

"Trying to make the delivery guy his lunch," Cyril remarked.

"This is a great party!" Cheryl laughed at Babou's antics.

"Oh great!" Lana ran up along with Ray.

"What's going on?" Ray asked. "How did Babou get out?"

"And what's with the pink basket?" Krieger pointed to the basket.

"I was looking for AJ!" Lana told them. "I opened the door and all of the sudden the damn cat ran out!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! THOSE CLAWS ARE SHARP!"

"RARRR!"

"You let Babou **out**?" Ray asked.

"I didn't know which room AJ went to!" Lana snapped. "And you didn't tell me which room you put Babou in! They could have ended up in the same room!"

"Well they obviously didn't," Ray said. "Hang on." He zipped out for a bit.

"GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!"

"RARRRR!"

"Did you feed Babou today?" Cyril asked.

"Does it **look **like I did?" Cheryl snickered.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! IT BIT ME! AAGGH!"

"You really should feed that cat more often," Cyril sighed.

Ray zipped back in. "AJ's fine. She's watching TV in another room. I closed the door behind her."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

"RARRRR!"

"She's not the one in danger," Cyril told him. "Oh, look the delivery guy made it to his van."

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECHHHH!

"Awww," Cheryl pouted. "He got away."

"So did Babou!" Ron pointed. "He's running down the street."

"Good," Cheryl said. "Maybe he'll stay away this time? Who am I kidding? He always comes back."

"Why?" Ray asked.

"That is a legitimate question," Lana remarked. "Which leads me to another one. What's with the pink basket?"

"The guy was dropping this off," Ron said as he closed the door and picked up the basket. "It's for me."

"Are you sure?" Cyril blinked. "Look at the balloons. I think there's been a mix up."

"Duh," Cheryl nodded.

"It's a Girl?" Ron read the balloons. "Is this some kind of veiled threat?"

"It would be if it was a sympathy basket," Ray remarked. "You know, for a funeral?"

Ron blinked. "No wonder the delivery guy high fived me."

"Mallory must have picked out the wrong package by mistake," Lana realized.

"At least you got muffins," Ray told Ron. "And cookies!"

"And diapers," Ron groaned. "The wrong size I might add. Not that I need them but…"

"Here's a card," Lana took it out and handed it to Ron.

Ron read the card. _"No, you idiot, this is for my husband Ron. Just say something like Best Wishes Mallory. Look I'm trying to pretend I actually care. The last thing I need right now is a divorce…Are you writing this down?" _

"That's what it **says **on the card?" Lana was stunned.

"Wow," Cheryl blinked. "Even **I** think that's rude!"

"The quality of service you get nowadays," Krieger shook his head.

"Forget her Ron," Pam patted his shoulder. "Honestly you're better off without her."

"I'm better off without a lot of people," Ron groaned.

"Come on," Ray said. "Let's have some dinner."

"Good idea," Ron said. "I could use a nice quiet dinner."

Less than one hour later…

"Too bad I'm not going to get it," Ron groaned as a full-blown food fight had broken out.

"That dress was **gold!**" Cheryl screamed as she threw food at everyone.

"That dress was clearly **blue **you bitch!" Pam roared as she threw rolls with deadly accuracy at those who dared disagreed with her.

"Pam's right!" Cyril agreed as he threw some food. "It was blue!"

"No, it wasn't!" Krieger shouted. "It was gold damn it! GOLD!"

"Honestly it looked grey to me," Ray admitted. The other four threw food at him. "HEY! You know I'm color blind! Oh this stain will never…That's it! PREPARE TO DIE!" He used his bionic hand to throw wildly.

THUNK!

"I've heard of meatballs making dents in the walls," Ron gasped at the sight. "But I never saw it happen literally!"

"KNOCK IT OFF!" Lana shouted. Everyone stopped throwing food.

Well almost everyone. AJ threw some pasta on the table. "AJ…" Lana groaned.

"They started it," AJ said innocently.

"I don't care…" Lana began. Then she was hit on the side of the face with a veal cutlet.

"HA HA HA HA!" Cheryl laughed, clearly being the one who threw the food.

Until a meatball landed right in her mouth and she started choking. "Don't be mean to my **mommy!**" AJ snapped; her hand covered in sauce.

"URK! URK! URK!" Cheryl choked.

"AJ!" Lana exclaimed. "Good aim!"

"She's choking!" Ray screeched as Cheryl floundered around.

"Somebody do the Heimlich!" Pam mumbled as she ate some food.

"Really? You're eating **now?**" Cyril shouted.

"What?" Pam defended. "Stressful situations make me hungry!"

"**Everything** makes you hungry!" Krieger shouted.

"Oh, for crying…" Cyril ran over and started giving Cheryl the Heimlich maneuver.

"Okay AJ," Lana sighed. "Normally I would tell you to not throw food and make other people choke. But this is _Cheryl _we're talking about. Odds are she's enjoying it anyway so…Again. Good aim."

SPLEEEECCHHH!

Cheryl spat out the meatball onto Ron's tie. "Yeah that's about right," Ron sighed.

"Cheryl are you all right?" Cyril asked.

"Oh yeah," Cheryl giggled. She looked at AJ. "You have good aim! I'm impressed!"

"She's fine," Lana groaned. "Ugh. Is this so-called party over yet?"

"Please say yes," Ron groaned. "I'll count it as a present."

"We have to have cake first," Pam got up. "I'll go get it."

"YAAAYYY! CAKE!" AJ cheered.

"Of course, we have to have cake," Ron groaned.

"It's just cake, Ron," Lana sighed. "How could they screw it up?"

"I never know!" Ron snapped. "That's how things happen around here!"

"Here's the cake!" Pam wheeled out a cake with some candles on it on a tray. "Ta da!"

Ron looked at the cake. "What the hell is **this?"**

"Oh, for the love of…" Lana was embarrassed when she saw what shape the cake was in.

"Oh dear God," Cyril groaned. "No…"

"Yes!" Krieger cheered happily.

"It's a butt!" AJ laughed wildly. "It's a butt!"

"Just what a man wants for his birthday," Ron groaned. "An ass cake!"

"Ron!" Lana snapped. "Inappropes!"

"What? What I **said** was inappropriate?" Ron pointed. "HELLO!"

"Butt cake!" AJ laughed like crazy. "Butt cake!"

"Why would you people get Ron a…_butt cake?"_ Lana snapped.

"Don't look at me," Ray said. "I didn't get the cake! Besides **that** is very clearly a female butt!"

"It sure is!" Pam grinned.

"I should have **known,**" Lana growled.

"I like how there's a candle in the butt crack," Krieger remarked.

"Can't you idiots do **anything** right?" Lana snapped.

"I made dinner," Ray grumbled. "Does anyone _appreciate it?_ No! They just throw food all over the place."

"I appreciate it Ray," Cheryl said. "Dinner was tasty and fun to throw. And the bite size meatballs were great for choking!"

Ray looked at Lana. "Is **that** so hard to say?"

"Yeah Lana," Cheryl nodded. "You're always criticizing us, but you're never doing anything!"

"I didn't see **you** coming over here and making sure things went smoothly!" Cyril snapped.

"I. Was. **Working!**" Lana snapped.

"Again, on **what?**" Cyril snapped. "The least you could have done was make sure Mallory's gift wasn't a complete disaster!"

"How is Mallory screwing up her gift **my fault**?" Lana snapped.

"She's right," Cheryl said. "Lana's not responsible for that. What she **is** responsible for is letting Babou out and getting the delivery guy shredded."

Lana snapped. "At least I didn't commit a **felony **getting Ron his presents!"

Ron realized something. "You guys stole my presents, didn't you?"

"Only from Archer," Cheryl said. "They were just lying around in boxes anyway. Except for the Rolex. I actually got that one from one of my cousins. What? He's dead now! Or in jail. Either way he's not going to need it!"

"Oh, for the love of…" Lana groaned. "AJ come on. The party's over. We're going home!"

"But I want a piece of butt!" AJ protested.

"THE FIRST PERSON WHO SAYS PHRASING LOSES THEIR TEETH!" Lana snapped. "Come on AJ!"

"You gotta admit I was better behaved than **they were**!" AJ protested as Lana guided her out the door.

"Yes, and I'd like to **keep** it that way," Lana groaned as she left.

"Well this has been a **fun** birthday," Ron glared at the rest of the gang. "Complete with crazy costumes. Arson. Arguments. Animal attacks. A possible lawsuit. A food fight. Pornographic cake. Stolen presents. Which admittedly are more thoughtful gifts than from my so-called wife!"

"Well at least you'll remember this birthday," Pam said cheerfully.

"No matter how hard you try to forget," Ray quipped.

"If I keep hanging around you lot," Ron groaned. "I may not have many more birthdays **left!**"


End file.
